The unseen cycle of complex trauma that causes us to create what we hate and how to break free from it.

If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in patterns of behavior that you wish you could break — whether it’s pushing people away, repeating toxic relationships, or sabotaging your own happiness — there’s a reason. It’s not because you want to hurt yourself or others; it’s because your mind and body are still trying to protect you from the pain of past wounds. The problem is, these survival strategies often end up recreating the very things you hate.

People with complex trauma often feel trapped in this cycle, unintentionally creating situations, relationships, and dynamics that mirror the pain and dysfunction of their past. The good news? It’s possible to break free from these patterns — once you understand why they happen in the first place and what you can do about it.

Let’s dive in and uncover the hidden reasons behind this unconscious self-sabotage, and explore compassionate ways to create lasting change.

The Invisible Wounds of Complex Trauma

Complex trauma isn’t a single event — it’s a pattern of repeated emotional, physical, or psychological abuse, neglect, or abandonment that occurs over a long period of time. This kind of trauma usually happens in childhood, when our brains are still developing and learning how to navigate the world.

For people who’ve experienced complex trauma, it’s common to feel like you’re walking around with invisible scars. These scars aren’t just emotional — they shape how we perceive ourselves and others, how we react to stress, and how we build relationships. And they often push us into patterns that feel familiar but are unhealthy and unfulfilling.

The Subconscious Survival Mechanisms

When we face danger or emotional pain, our subconscious does its best to protect us. It triggers automatic survival responses, like the “fight, flight, or freeze” reactions, which are designed to keep us safe. But the problem is, the mind doesn’t know when the danger is over. So, even when we’re no longer in those toxic situations, our body and mind still react as if we are. This is where the patterns of self-sabotage kick in.

For example, if you grew up in a household where emotional closeness was met with rejection or punishment, you may have learned to push people away before they get too close. Even if you desperately want connection, the fear of being hurt may cause you to pull back, recreating the very abandonment you dread.

Recreating What We Hate

Some Real-Life Examples

Let’s talk about how these patterns play out in everyday life.

1. Pushing Loved Ones Away (Even When You Want to Be Close)

Imagine this: You’ve just started dating someone who seems kind, loving, and everything you’ve always wanted. But, as things get more serious, you start to feel anxious. Your heart races at the thought of being vulnerable, and before you know it, you’re shutting down emotionally. Maybe you pull back, create distance, or start arguments for no reason.

Why? Because deep down, your mind is saying, “If I let myself get too close, I’ll be hurt, just like before.” This is a survival mechanism kicking in — your brain is protecting you from the risk of being abandoned, even though this person isn’t going to leave.

2. The Drama of Toxic Relationships

For some, complex trauma means growing up in an environment where chaos and unpredictability were the norms. Perhaps one parent was emotionally abusive, or you were constantly walking on eggshells, unsure of what would trigger a fight. As you get older, this creates a subconscious desire to recreate that environment. Why? Because familiarity feels safer than the unknown.

You might find yourself repeatedly attracting or staying in toxic relationships because, on some level, your brain believes this is what love or connection looks like. Even if it’s painful, it’s known. It’s what your nervous system has been trained to expect.

3. Sabotaging Success or Happiness

It’s not uncommon for people with complex trauma to sabotage their own success or happiness. You might achieve something incredible — like getting a promotion or starting a new healthy relationship — and then do something that undermines it, like procrastinating, avoiding difficult conversations, or self-criticism.

This behavior often stems from a belief that you don’t deserve good things, rooted in past experiences of neglect or emotional abandonment. These beliefs are internalized, and the subconscious mind tries to fulfill them by sabotaging anything that feels “too good to be true.”

How to Break the Cycle

Image from iStock

So, how do you stop recreating the things you hate? The good news is that once you understand how these patterns are formed, you can begin to rewire your brain, shift your responses, and create new, healthier patterns. It’s a journey, and it requires a lot of self-compassion, patience, and a willingness to grow.

1. Acknowledge and Accept the Pattern

The first step is to acknowledge that these patterns exist. It’s important to approach yourself with compassion and recognize that these behaviors were created to protect you. They weren’t your fault — they were coping mechanisms that helped you survive.

Takeaway: Self-compassion is key. This isn’t about self-blame — it’s about understanding that your actions are rooted in survival.

2. Understand the Root of Your Responses

Next, take a deep dive into your past. What did you experience in childhood or earlier in life that could have shaped these reactions? Was there neglect, abandonment, or emotional turbulence? Understanding where your fears and survival mechanisms come from helps you recognize when they’re being triggered.

Takeaway: Uncovering the root of your patterns brings clarity and power. You can’t heal what you don’t understand.

3. Reframe Your Beliefs About Love and Self-Worth

People with complex trauma often struggle with deeply held beliefs like “I’m unworthy of love” or “I can’t trust anyone.” These beliefs can fuel the negative patterns in your life. Start challenging those beliefs. Ask yourself, “Where is the evidence that I’m unworthy?” and replace those old beliefs with new, healthier ones.

Takeaway: Healing your sense of self-worth is vital. You deserve healthy love, respect, and connection.

4. Build New Patterns of Behavior

This step is about creating new, healthier patterns. It might involve consciously practicing vulnerability in safe relationships or setting boundaries with others in a way that feels empowering rather than defensive. Start small and celebrate each step forward. Change takes time, but every moment you choose to act differently is a victory.

Takeaway: Every small change you make is a powerful step toward breaking the cycle.

5. Seek Support

Healing from complex trauma isn’t something you have to do alone. Working with a therapist who understands trauma can be incredibly helpful. Therapy provides a safe space to process difficult emotions and gain insight into your patterns. Support groups, friends, or even online communities can also be great sources of validation and encouragement. Check out some resources here

Takeaway: You don’t have to heal in isolation. There is strength in seeking support.

A New Future: Creating the Life You Deserve

Breaking free from the cycle of recreating what you hate is a process, but it is entirely possible. By understanding your trauma, shifting old beliefs, and building healthier habits, you can create a life that’s not defined by your past but shaped by your future potential.

You are not your trauma. You are a person capable of growth, change, and creating the life you deserve. With patience, self-compassion, and the right support, you can rewrite your story and step into a future filled with authentic connection, happiness, and peace.

The cycle of recreating what we hate is a painful but understandable result of complex trauma. But with the right awareness, compassion, and strategies, you can break free. You are worthy of love, trust, and peace. Your past does not define you — it has prepared you to thrive.

Start aligning with your needs today. If you’re ready to break the cycle of complex trauma and build a life that truly serves you, consider enrolling in the Align with Your Needs course. This self-guided course offers practical tools, compassionate guidance, and a supportive environment to help you heal and transform. It’s time to stop recreating what you hate — and start creating the life you deserve.